Decembrrrrrr.

Starting December off on a good note: by skipping my last class of the semester.

Okay maybe not. I feel kinda lame about it. My logic was that I have a paper due Monday and I really need to just take a break before I dive into it for the entirety of today, Saturday, and Sunday. I also haven't run in a week because I've been too busy. So skipping class would give me time to do that. Furthermore, my professor doesn't take attendance and we're not having a real class today.

The downside? 1. I paid for that class. 2. It just feels like a weak finish.

Oh well.

So what's in store for December?

Holiday party! Museum of Science and Industry Christmas trees! My cats in sweaters! Maybe my sister and niece visiting! Actually being able to afford gifts this year! Books!

And one thing I'm quite excited for, I'm taking the Runner's World challenge to run at least one mile every day in December. One mile is nothing, it's just carving out time to do it. I think the only days I'll struggle with will be the days I have my internship (MWF through the 14th). But it's no big. I'll do it.

And now if you don't mind, there's a needy cat on my lap trying to hijack my hands for petting.

Finale

Well, by Wednesday I was too excited about taking a small Thanksgiving break from the semester that the last thing I wanted to see was a computer. Thursday again there were clearly way better things to do. Finishing out this series seems a bit anti-climactic now that it's officially the holiday season, BUT I'll send this off right. I do think it's helped a tad; I'm still quite worrisome but occasionally I've been comforted by thinking about what I have to be grateful for. Here are some overarching ones that I am always thankful for.

Thomas, our apartment, our kittens, and my life in the city
having transferred to UIC
incredibly wonderful parents, the kind who call their vegetarian daughter the night before Thanksgiving and ask "would you like me to bring you a spaghetti squash?"
my grandparents' house
that many of my really great friends wound up in the same city and that those in other places are still just as great of friends

Day 13

This morning I woke up planning to run before work. This is probably the 12th time I've planned this since I started running again in September, and I've never accomplished it. Today I did! As soon as I got out the door it was rainy and cold and I resigned myself to giving up after a mile. But I didn't! And then I got to work and wasn't bored all day because there was actually plenty for me to do. And then Thomas and I went out for a lovely dinner. And then I ate too many cookies.

Today I am thankful for:
getting my butt out of bed
days at work when I can listen to my ipod and mindlessly enter data
my thoughtful mommy (who is making me spaghetti squash for Thanksgiving)
yummy Thai food
tea

Day 12

Today was interesting. I got up to go to my internship, and halfway to the train I realized that Thomas had borrowed my UPass yesterday and I had forgotten to get it back. I decided withdraw some money from the ATM; since that would require walking back in the opposite direction, I decided to take the bus and transfer to a train rather than my usual route. Then I realized I'd have to pay twice as much for the transfer, and decided just to double back and go to the original train route. I got to the ATM and first had to transfer money to the right account via Chase Mobile, but logged on and found out that the service was unavailable. I went home and gathered up the change in our coin jar and there was enough to get to the work but not to make it home.

So I resigned myself to calling in.

Luckily my class tomorrow was cancelled so I'll just make up my hours then.

I spent the day getting a lot of homework done and finished a final paper (which means I'm totally done with 2 of 4 classes!).

Funny how things work out.

Today I'm grateful:
for a very generous and kind boss
for discovering that i like split pea soup! vegan and lots of protein.
that my class is cancelled tomorrow
that all the people who thought the new experimental poverty measure would prove that poverty isn't as big a deal as bleeding hearts make it out to be were proven wrong and it's actually worse than we thought (not that I'm grateful for more poverty, I'm grateful that there's more evidence that something needs to be done). check it http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/08/us/poverty-gets-new-measure-at-census-bureau.html

Day 11

Today I am thankful:

for pumpkin candles
for homemade pizza co
that I can write a good paper
that i dont own a car in the city

Day 10

Hittin' this one early!

Today I am thankful for:
a working oven
my penchant for picking out good Christmas presents
professors who don't actually read final papers (though I shouldn't be)
when things that were once stressful end up working out okay

Days 7, 8, 9

Right, so I still haven't gotten the hang of this. The following will be a mish mash of the last three days.

I am thankful for:
vacations
kittens on my lap
biscuits in soup
my parka
samples at whole foods

Day 6

Today I'm thankful for:

Afternoon naps with my cats
Perfect fall days
Perfect fall day runs
My nifty key chain that makes taking individual keys on and off extremely easy

Day 5

Today I am thankful for:

Being ahead of schedule
Taking time out to watch The Wonder Years on Instant Netflix
When things go as planned

Days 3 & 4

Forgot yesterday again. Alas, it takes 30 days to make a habit. Or is it 28?

Yesterday:
Productivity
Accomplishing my running goals
Good sushi

Today:
Sleeping in
Salted caramel hot chocolate
Avoiding buyer's remorse
The lack of traffic on Sunday mornings

Day 2

I forgot yesterday! Busy, busy, busy.

I'm thankful for:

having things to do at my internship.
meeting new and interesting people.
friendly bus drivers.

The 14 days of Thanksgiving

For the next 2 weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, I will post a list of things I am thankful for that are of particular relevance for that day. I am stressed out about not having enough time or money, and hope this will make me feel better.

Today I am thankful for:

Catching the bus just in time (twice!)
Having ample outerwear options
The occasional packet of Nutter Butters
People who aren't afraid to disagree with someone just because the latter someone seems to have more authority

Ta-da.

Social work pessimism.

I often get frustrated with the idea that anything is achievable with hard work. I understand this thinking has diminished a bit with the recession because people understand that bad circumstances can befall any of us, and it's not due to individual failure. However there is still the presumption that each of us has the power to change our own circumstances. We need to set goals and never give up. Look at all those people born into poverty who are now lawmakers and educators. The Colin Powell argument. This is a hard thing to argue against, because it really does sound logical. Just keep at it and eventually it will come your way. If it doesn't, you didn't try hard enough. Many people who think this are well-meaning - teachers trying to instill hope in their students, activists trying to inspire a community.

Unfortunately, they're wrong.

And this is the best quote I've found to summarize it (and believe me, as a social work student I've read a lot on this.

"It is a false hope informed by privilege and rooted in the optimism of the spectator who needs not suffer—a “let them eat cake” utterance that reveals a fundamental incomprehension of suffering."

Not to say the sufferers or the people trying to help empower them should give up. But there are other things that need to be changed before we can assume that all people have the same chances for success. This country is as far from equality as it gets.

A Christmas card teaser.

I always forget to call it autumn.

Things I love about autumn:
running through pretty neighborhoods where all the houses have pumpkins on the stoop.
the decor.
drinking warm beverages, and the appropriateness of apple cider and pumpkin lattes in that selection.
the food, a la apples, pumpkins, cinnamon, soup, and butternut squash. I could go on.
walking around.
cycling.
layering.
festivals, including the many Oktoberfests and the Bucktown Apple Pie Contest.
speaking of Oktoberfest, fall ales.
being outside.
Halloween.
pumpkin patches and pumpkin carving (but not pumpkin seeds).
the smells!

Things I'm looking forward to this particular fall:
visiting my parents next week, going to craft fairs with my mom and niece, getting apple cider donuts from Tom's market, coffee with my sister, seeing my other sister who's pregnant and this time being normal enough to not think she's carrying an alien (although let's be real, she's too early to be showing), and seeing my dear friend Nikki who I don't talk to nearly enough. Oh, and my puppies of course!
going to the Chicago Botanic Gardens, where I've never been but it's free and I imagine it's gorgeous this time of year. If I could get married (hypothetically, people) anywhere it would be there, but it costs like $20,000.
finally running again, and being better than before BECAUSE I HAVE THE MOST AWESOME SHOES IN THE WORLD (Altra Intuition, ladies; dudes, Altra Instinct. Get them).
speaking of running, the Hot Chocolate 5k! Nom nom.
and also volunteering for the Girls on the Run 5k.
cycling more.
homecoming! camping (fall camping, at that), maybe some hiking, bubble tea from Fusion Brew, seeing friends, and overall being on campus for the first time since graduation.

Perhaps I'm just in a rosy mood because I went to yoga and the farmer's market on this lovely day, and later will go shopping and get coffee with Thomas. It does seem rather early for fall to be setting in so aggressively, and I'm afraid that by mid-December I'll be wishing for warmth again. I guess that means I'll just have to go on vacation!

Reflections on a cliche quote.

You know that quote, "Don't ask what the world needs; ask what makes you come alive, then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who are alive". Or something to that effect. I feel like I fit perfectly into the former category. The dead people who toil every day trying to do what the world needs.

How can anyone come alive if they sit at a desk all day? I realize this contradicts a blog I posted when I started my internship. I still like my nice clean downtown office, and it's an okay temporary internship, but it's not for me. Aside from the monotony, it's extremely depressing and I've thoroughly questioned my choice to be a social worker lately. It just seems hopeless. Few people really get why social problems exist and what it will take to reduce them. I just question the purpose of what I'm doing because I really don't think it will ever work.

This semester has been hard. UIC requires more work than Loyola, plus I'm taking an extra course, so I'm hardly managing and it's only 4 weeks in. I could easily manage it all if I didn't really do anything else, but let's be honest, I can't concentrate that long. I haven't even started working today and am already distracted.

BUT, on a positive note, I think it's just because I have to have a degree in order to do what does make me come alive. Or at least I hope it will. There's an organization called Girls on the Run that aims to get underserved young girls physically active, and (little do they know) I've targeted them as my future employer. In fact, I'm volunteering at their fall 5k (and plan to do more in the spring) in order to get my name out there and prove my commitment to their goals. There's a similar organization called Girls in the Game, which is future employer choice #2, but I'm much less skilled at throwing and kicking and aiming than I am at running. Backup plan: be a dog runner. I would be totally happy with that.

I just have to power through this semester. It's gonna suck, but I keep reminding myself that thousands of people go through med school and law school and other rigorous programs every year. I just have to take it a day at a time. And there are good things, like the weather and my cats and my family and my friends and that I'm finally running again, even if in one minute increments. Oh, and Thomas and I are planning a vacation this winter. Likely either Vermont or somewhere warm if we can find a good Groupon (yes, Vermont in winter is very different than Miami). I'm kinda hoping for Vermont because it's cheaper and we can visit some friends and I might finally learn to ski.

In the meantime, I just bought a make-your-own six-pack in preparation for a ho-down tonight, and I couldn't be more excited. I will almost certainly come alive.

I like to think I'd be running right now.

Had you told me five years ago, heck, probably even two or three, that for my own sake I shouldn't run, I would have said "...'kay, great". I certainly would not have been let down, and I may not have been all that excited because I just didn't run. I was an elliptical gal through and through.

But then I started running because it takes less time (to an extent) and is cheaper than going to the gym. I wasn't phenomenal, but for the first time in my life I ran 4 miles at a time and my pace was less than ten minutes. I recall 5th or 6th grade Ellyn running a mile in 11:01. I learned the joys or actually running outside, running early in the morning, running in the cold (love), and running in the heat (for a reduced distance, usually). I started out with a plan, then abandoned it and didn't run nearly enough for about two months. In June, I got back on the wagon. After about a month I decided some direction was needed, so I consulted the training plan gods and started training for a 15k. On July 7th I set out on the first day on the plan. I pushed myself harder than usual because I was determined to follow through this time. About three minutes from the end of my run, something in my hip...sparked. I don't know how else to describe it. It wasn't a tear or a snap or a pop. I tried to run through it and then it spread to another spot on my hip. So I stopped. And limped home.

The next day I woke up and got ready for work as usual, but by the time I walked out of the alley I couldn't walk any further. I called into work and sat on the couch all morning willing my hip to heal. That evening I was to travel to Green Lake, WI, and had been looking forward to running in the wilderness. I optimistically packed two sets of running clothes just in case. They went unused.

In fact, I haven't run further than it takes to catch a bus or the pedestrian walk signal since then. I went to a bone doctor and even with x-rays he couldn't tell me what was wrong. Just that it didn't seem serious and physical therapy oughta do it. I went to a physical therapist, and she has no idea about the etiology. My progression has been disappointingly slow, though not non-existent. I just have to sit and wait and deal with it and not make it worse.

It sucks. I miss running. The mornings were cool this week and would have been the perfect running temperature. Mornings are nice because no one is out. And I never would have thought I'd say that, but it's true that running just makes you feel wonderful. I'm probably idealizing it, because I know there were days when it was hot and I was tired and the run overall was unimpressive. But I always felt good after. And I guess I was proud, because running accomplishments are measurable. I could say with certainty that I have improved by this much, and I did something today which I couldn't do last week. But now all the stuff I could do before, I can't do anymore.

What's really horrible, is that the injury isn't that bad. It doesn't hurt most of the time, and when it does it's not much. But it's there, just teasing me. I was almost a good runner, and now because of this tiny little strain I have to start all over. No 15k this fall. Goodbye, goals. I read Runner's World and running books and visit running stores; but please don't talk to me about the half-marathon you plan to run, or the great run you just had. Call me whiny, but it's unfair and I want to be fixed now, please.

From Stephen Markley, of RedEye fame.

"Americans enjoy squawking about freedom, yet our economic system is designed to constrain. After college, you get a job immediately because those student loan bills are coming. You dare not do anything interesting because you need health insurance from an employer in our privatized system. You work long hours in a job you don't like, and tell yourself—what? You'll find that dream job? Go back to school and get in more debt? We wonder where the innovators and entrepreneurs have gone: They're all in cubicles trying to pay $700 a month in student loans. And remember, these are the lottery winners in American society, the lucky ones."

Thank you, Mr. Markley.

When I initially read this I had a lot to say, but the article was printed 8 days ago and I've since forgotten my eloquence. Here goes.

I believe that college is a time to take chances, make mistakes, get messy; to discover what you're interested in and what makes you passionate.

Unfortunately, this is all occurring while you and your parents spend hundreds of thousands of dollars. So while you may change a lot, and change your mind a lot, over the years (and from my experience, very few people know what they want to do even after they finish college), well, that's too bad because you've already spent the cash and if you discover you would have rather been a chef or traveled the world, too late. You've got debt to pay off, and experimenting with photography in Spain isn't gonna cut it.

I'm not ungrateful for my education, in fact I chose to continue it into the Master's realm (oddly enough, in the hopes that I would make more money. Will it be enough to pay off what I spent on the degree? We'll see). I know I'm very lucky and despite my debt will be just fine.

But I will admit that I feel trapped in this system. I'm not crazy about the job opportunities available to social workers, yet I will inevitably stick with it because it's safe (as safe as jobs can be these days).

I have this crazy hope that I may have to stick it out in a cubicle for a few years, but eventually I'll make enough connections and prove myself an impressive figure in the world of social work that I'll have my pick of the best jobs and one will be perfectly suited to my interests so that I may find it personally and professionally fulfilling. That's as big as I'm willing to dream.

But really, friends notwithstanding, had I known what I know now, I most certainly would have chosen a public institution over IWU, and I may have even just gone to trade school. I'd probably have made more money.

Annotated Bibliography

My summer reading list, since about May 10th, has consisted of:

Cat's Cradle - Kurt Vonnegut

• This is the first Vonnegut novel I've read since Slaughterhouse 5 freshman year of high school, when I clearly did not get the finer points. I liked it very much, but don't have much to say aside from that.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert M. Pirsig

• I've been wanting to read this since my very favoritest high school English teacher raved about it. I was highly disappointed. Very philosophical, the guy just goes off for pages about quality and romantics v. realists and I don't even remember anymore. Not that I have anything against philosophy, I just didn't follow this one. It took forever to get through. 

Invisible Monsters - Chuck Palahniuk

• Oh, Chuck Palahniuk. You try so hard to be edgy. There were some very interesting ideas in this, but I just don't buy his characters.

The Glass Castle - Jeanette Walls

• This was fascinating to me, but perhaps just me. I laughed I cried, but mostly I was just infuriated by what awful parents this girl had.

Born to Run - Christopher McDougall

• Phenomenal. I loved it. It made me love running. Each time I picked it up I wanted to stop reading so that I could go running, but it was so wonderful that I had to keep reading. It's about how modern running (giant cushy soles, cortisone shots for injuries) has made us more prone to injury and pain and that the barefoot running movement is actually pretty valid if done properly (throw in a plot about indigenous central Americans and a crazy ex-boxer). I will always have a connection to this book because the first day I set out on my new and inspired running plan, I pulled something in my leg and haven't run in three weeks. If only I had taken his advice.

The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy

• The entire mood of this book is rain. It's almost mystical. Very sad, but very realistic, it's also very "first-novely". 

The World According to Garp - John Irving

• I just love John Irving. He's just slightly absurd, very original, very believable, and very in touch with human behavior. He has a particular perception about Americans that is never stated outright but that I highly agree with. This book was not quite as good as The Cider House Rules or A Prayer for Owen Meany, but a solid third.

I should have time to finish
The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera

• Not very far into this one, but it's letting me down a bit. Well, I guess I'm just not sure where it's going. It seems like the plot was exhausted in the first chapter. I expect to not understand much of it.

before beginning
Policy Practice for Social Workers: New Strategies for a New Era - Cummins

• womp womp wooooooomp.

Many of my books have lain unread on my shelves for several years. I love the feeling of checking them off the to-read list, having one more book in my repertoire to discuss, or simply to know what it's about, and whether or not I like it. This is why summer and winter breaks are so valuable to me. I can devour these books in a weekend, but give me a textbook and my eyes cross.

4th of July at the lake

Because...I haven't posted pictures in a while.

The thing is though, when you hunker down at the lakefront to take pictures with a bike and full backpack after riding 9 miles, well...you don't really want to move. This limited my subject options. Ah well.

Aaaaand just for fun:

 

!!!

Apparently I thrive on reliability.

I go to an office downtown. I have my very own cubicle, with my very own computer, phone, voicemail, and filing cabinet, which means I don't have to lug a binder full of paperwork back and forth every day. It is next to a window. On Monday I will bring some pictures/flowers/knick-knacks to give the space a personal touch. Every morning there is coffee and tea, and the kitchenette is quite clean. Not only is there a microwave and refrigerator, but a toaster and tea kettle. I have already moved in my coffee creamer, and will likely bring tea and snacks to keep at my desk. The faucet has a Brita filter, which people actually change as needed. People do their dishes with the clean sponge wand and ever-present dish soap. There are no bed bugs. The bathroom light turns on every time, and there is always soap. I don't have to take anyone's food order, or for that matter do anything for anyone but my five superiors (for the record, this is why I'm in social policy and not clinical work). I run in the morning, come home at night and do whatever I want, and spend the weekends snuggling with my kittens.

Though many people find it oppressive, I think I could get used to office life.

Please, please get this already.

I realize that most of the people who read this will probably already agree with me, and that posting it here will really not do much good, and that I have a history of ranting blogs, but I need to get it out.

"Immigrants need to learn English. They chose to come here and if they want to fit in and be successful, they need to learn our ways. I shouldn't have to learn Spanish for them, but if I moved to another country I'd be respectful enough to learn that language".

America does not have an official language. Got it? None. Not English, nothing. In that sense, language is like a free market: languages enter in and out of popularity along with the amount of people who use it. English seems to be the most dominating language, so we consider it the norm. But when a new player comes in, ie the Spanish-speaking population, the increasing presence and use of that language is not an unfair accommodation to foreigners which shoves aside American rights, it is simply the free market of language adapting to the abundance of a new population. They've made a new norm. Considering that this is a free country with no single ethnic or racial history, leaving the growing Hispanic population with every right to language domination (though I highly doubt that is their goal, but that's another argument), if you don't like it you had best find a country that actually has a right to claim language preference and see what it's like to get by there.

The end.

Ten Essentials

Every month, GQ features a celebrity, icon, or man-about-town and the 10 things that man considers “essential” to…his existence, I guess. These range from clothes to hygiene products to books to family tokens, etc. For interested parties, and because I’m unemployed for two weeks, I have compiled a list of my own. I should say these are essential entirely in the context of my life as a young grad student in Chicago.

1. Planner. Yes, a real-live paper planner that you write on. Even when I don’t have assignments to keep track of, I can’t imagine not having a planner. I wouldn’t remember ANYTHING. Transitioning to digital organization would be logical, but there’s just something so satisfying about crossing an item off your to-do list, and seeing your whole month planned out in front of you.

2. Moving Comfort Gaia sports bra. TMI? Maybe. But I spent years with my boobs squished under spandex sports bras, still unsupported. This thing is magic. I no longer worry about the sagging effects of running.

3. Blank thank you cards. Always, always, always come in handy. Thank you for the gift, for writing my recommendation, for interviewing with me, for being a great supervisor, for letting me stay with you, and so on. You don’t want to have to run out and buy a card every time something like that comes up. Thank you cards are oh-so-classy, and everyone loves getting handwritten mail.

4. North Face Borealis backpack. Once I graduate, I will burn this thing. Except not really, because it has withstood three years of hard use and shows no more wear than a little dirt. It’s heavy and a pain in the ass, but it has gotten me through many days with two meals, a change of clothes, school books, and all my needs. And it’s water resistant.

4. Outdoor Research Aspire rain jacket. If it were winter, I would have said my North Face parka. But it’s not, and it has been raining all week. I love this jacket. It’s not as cute as a London Fog trench, but I look goofy in those anyway. It’s a cute dark red, the hood is extremely snug and sturdy and doesn’t flop around, and it has a lifetime guarantee. Something every commuter should have.

5. Sunday Chicago Tribune subscription. I got a year for $13 with Groupon, or else I never would have gotten this. But I LOVE it. I love reading the newspaper with coffee on a Sunday morning. No matter how busy I am, I know I will have at least that time. And even if I don’t really know much about the news, I can at least stay a little in touch with the times.

6. Boar’s hair bristle round brush. Yes, one of those round combs, but the bristle’s are made of bar’s hair. No matter how many defrizzing products I’ve tried, a boar’s hair brush is the most smoothing and eliminates 80% of the job formerly done by my flat iron.

7. Allrecipes.com. I’m not really sure if this counts. But I use it all the time. They have a feature where you can search for all recipes containing a certain ingredient, so if I find myself with a whole lot of something that’s about to expire, or needing to cook for a party but with only a select few ingredients, Allrecipes is super-handy.

8. UPASS. For the summer, my UPASS is out of business and I had to buy a good ol’ fashioned monthly pass. However usually I pay $80-100 for the year…or semester…yes that’s a big difference but either way it’s a good deal considering how much I use this. Like, 2-8 times every single day.

9. Forever Yogurt. This isn’t an essential in the sense that I go there a lot, but it’s an essential in the sense that it’s awesome and where Thomas and I usually end up after we go out to dinner or spend an evening wandering around Wicker Park. For the unenlightened folk, it’s a build your own fro-yo bar. With endless free samples (well, I’m sure they’d catch on eventually).

10. Small (fake) pearl studs. I'll be honest, I would forget to wear earrings if I didn't constantly have these in. In fact, I didn't wear earrings for several years for that reason. Then I put these babies in about a year ago and haven't taken them out much since. Shower, sleep, gym, whatever, they go with anything, and they're elegant and understated. Always removable for more special occasions.

Guess what I have to do today. NOTHING.

For the first time in a very long time, I literally have nothing scheduled. I do plan to go to the gym and chiropractor, but I can do that more or less whenever I want. I slept in until 8 am. 8 AM. That's nine hours of sleep (I went to bed at 11, which is 30-60 minutes later than usual, because I didn't have to worry about waking up early)! I read the newspaper this morning whilst drinking my coffee, haven't showered, and am still in my PJs. Why you ask? Because I no longer have classes to attend for the next four months. I never have to go back to Loyola again. I'm thrilled.

Yet here it is, almost 10 am, and guess what - I have a paper due Friday. I also must contact four internship referrals, one of whom requires writing samples and a cover letter. So the question is: Do I get started, or do I allow myself a day off and do it Wednesday? If I wait til Wednesday, at least for the paper, I'll inevitably end up grumpily scrambling to add the shoddy final touches Thursday night when I get home from my internship (which I still must attend Tuesday and Thursday this week). Yet I really, really can't drum up the motivation to get started now. Even if I try to picture it in my head, I literally can't imagine sitting down to work at my laptop all day.

But if I don't at least do something productive, I'll feel guilty and not truly able to enjoy the relaxation. So maybe I'll go back and finish the newspaper, get dressed so I feel more like a real person, tinker around with some things on my to-do list, and then possibly feel more ready to take on Community Interventions and uber-intimidating professionals who have no patience for the less-than-outstanding. After lunch.

Update as of 1pm: that is EXACTLY what I did. However now I'm writing that cover letter and won't have much time to write the paper before chiro and the gym. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE cover letters? They're so formal. Why can't I just be like: "For real, I have crazy Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and everything I do is organized, detailed, and professional. Those other suckers you're interviewing suck at writing - seriously, I've edited their stuff. And they say dumb things in class. So if you want someone competent with no patience for the indecisive and illogical, it would be in your best interest to hire me. And then give me a job when I graduate".

A Blog for Blogging's Sake

What do you do when you have an earnest desire to be healthy, but just HATE exercise? I haven't exerted myself more than enough to stretch in the past 7 days, and every day I go to bed feeling horribly guilty. But when I've been at work or class all day, and am on the bus home thinking "I could go be terribly uncomfortable and unhappy for an hour, or I could go sit on my couch with a book and tea for three hours"...what do you think I choose?

I've tried it all...
"Work out in the morning so you just get it over with and feel good for the rest of the day!"
   No good. They don't call it a comforter for nothing.
"You just need to find a way to make exercise fun!"
   The only time I have ever had fun exercising was playing frisbee golf with 6-year-olds. Best summer of my life. Unfortunately I don't know where to find a team of frisbee-playing children in Chicago. I also enjoy cycling, but that depends on the weather (and regardless is much less fun amidst city traffic). Even yoga, which appears to be so relaxing, requires my body to do things it can not.
"Have a plan, a goal, a time limit, a schedule (I cheat); buy new work out clothes (the thrill doesn't last); sign up for a class (I simply did not go); have a great playlist (I ran out of music)" etc etc etc...

So you may just think, "wow, she's hella lazy". Maybe so, but here's what I'm getting at: why should I force myself to do something that I truly do not like? Isn't my happiness and mental health worth more than being able to run a half marathon that I hated every minute of? Unfortunately, I'm so stuck in this mindset that exercise is RIGHT and that's what STRONG people do and people are more FULFILLED when they exercise because they're so happy being healthy - so even if I think I could be happy without exercise, I can't because I just feel bad. And I feel bad when I do (*Though I do feel good afterward, consider also the extra time commitment which takes away from other obligations and enjoyments and leads to stress, increased tiredness, knee pain).

That last part was a mess. And this is probably really silly sounding to everyone else. In sum I wish I could be someone who just loves working out and actually looks forward to it. I wish my hobbies did not involve sugar and chocolate and sitting. Yet they do, and I apparently can not fully embrace something I know is bad for me, though I love it; and I can not forget about something I know is good for me, though I hate it.

Let's think about this...

In my last remaining hours-long spans of free time before I start working next week, I've been guiltlessly watching wedding planning shows on instant Netflix. I'm not ashamed.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" is a common wedding theme I've noticed. I need diamonds and pearls and black and classic and that oh-so distinguishable turquoise. Cliche, yes, but hey, it's your day.

No, what really bothers me is that I don't know if any of these people have actually seen (or read) Breakfast at Tiffany's. If they had, they'd realize that Holly Golightly was a pitifully shallow woman who tried to fill the emptiness in her life with jewelry. Her only purpose was to be a socialite and her livelihood was the $50 that nightly dinner companions gave her as she went to the powder room. She ran away from every person with whom she formed a real relationship, and whenever any pesky "feelings" came around and threatened this fake life, well she'd just go eat a croissant in front of Tiffany's, because nothing bad could ever happen there. In essence, she was exactly what Holden Caulfield would have called a phony. In the end, Fred shakes it out of her and she admits that she needs him and all is well. However I don't think this is what most brides are trying to capture with this theme.

I like the movie, I like old Hollywood glam, I like class. But when I pick my wedding theme, I think I'll avoid the statement "Hey friends and family, I'm way into materialism and don't know how to cope with the real world." Maybe that's just me.

Extreme Time-Management

If anyone already read my previous declaration that I will train for a half-marathon in 18 weeks, know that it took about 2 hours to actually do research and change my mind.

Tellingly, that post began with "Welcome to my forum for making noble life goals that I ultimately will not keep".

Really it's not for lack of motivation, but lack of reality. I run, but not that well, and I fear such an intense training program would kill me. Instead I'll train for a 10k or mini-marathon or something and that's that, fine with me.

But the point remains - I need discipline. I value having at least one day per week to do absolutely nothing, and even on those days which are most convenient to go to the gym, I don't. I guess that's not so abnormal. But anyway, I just need to get in the habit. Four days per week isn't so bad, and once it gets nicer out I won't always have to wait in the cold for a bus to the gym (which is often the most discouraging part).


Fear not, I'm confident I'll get there one day.

Uncertainties

I won't go into the details, but the everyday happenstances of life have been conspiring against me, not even giving me a chance to try to obtain something before telling me it's out of reach. Over and over. That's fine, I suppose I just have to reconsider what I want.

And therefore, I am applying for a transfer to UIC. The application materials are due in two weeks, which is fast, but I'm confident I can do it. If something goes wrong, then I will take a year off from school after this semester and begin my second year next fall. That doesn't seem so bad. And actually, it sounds a lot better than wasting my money at Loyola for another year.

It's funny, when I entered IWU I figured I'd attend for two years and then apply to NYU when I was more prepared to move far from home. But I love IWU and my friends so much that this idea was quickly forgotten and I don't regret it. However I feel absolutely zero attachment to Loyola, and will be leaving nothing significant behind if I do in fact transfer.

I feel really good about this plan. I have no idea how it will all work out, but it boosts my self-efficacy to know that I can make a ridiculously impulsive and unplanned change for the sake of my ultimate happiness, and that I won't let myself be stuck in an unfulfilling track because it would be too hard and uncertain to dig myself out.

I've been looking forward to going home this weekend for whatever sense of comfort and familiarity that I might find. I told my mom this plan, and she smiled and nodded as if she knew all along and said "I was wondering how long it would take for you to decide that". I hate when she knows more than I think she knows. I didn't even know I was thinking about this. But anyway, I think this is what it feels like to be a young person with no idea how their life is going to turn out and just having to jump into something and hope it works out. I mean, I never had an exact plan about what I was going to do before, but when you're constantly hiding out in academia you don't have to fully think about it. That's probably why I'm happy to be home - nothing has been working out and now I'm making this scary change and I just want to watch Netflix and play with my puppies while I can.

...wish me luck!