Uncertainties

I won't go into the details, but the everyday happenstances of life have been conspiring against me, not even giving me a chance to try to obtain something before telling me it's out of reach. Over and over. That's fine, I suppose I just have to reconsider what I want.

And therefore, I am applying for a transfer to UIC. The application materials are due in two weeks, which is fast, but I'm confident I can do it. If something goes wrong, then I will take a year off from school after this semester and begin my second year next fall. That doesn't seem so bad. And actually, it sounds a lot better than wasting my money at Loyola for another year.

It's funny, when I entered IWU I figured I'd attend for two years and then apply to NYU when I was more prepared to move far from home. But I love IWU and my friends so much that this idea was quickly forgotten and I don't regret it. However I feel absolutely zero attachment to Loyola, and will be leaving nothing significant behind if I do in fact transfer.

I feel really good about this plan. I have no idea how it will all work out, but it boosts my self-efficacy to know that I can make a ridiculously impulsive and unplanned change for the sake of my ultimate happiness, and that I won't let myself be stuck in an unfulfilling track because it would be too hard and uncertain to dig myself out.

I've been looking forward to going home this weekend for whatever sense of comfort and familiarity that I might find. I told my mom this plan, and she smiled and nodded as if she knew all along and said "I was wondering how long it would take for you to decide that". I hate when she knows more than I think she knows. I didn't even know I was thinking about this. But anyway, I think this is what it feels like to be a young person with no idea how their life is going to turn out and just having to jump into something and hope it works out. I mean, I never had an exact plan about what I was going to do before, but when you're constantly hiding out in academia you don't have to fully think about it. That's probably why I'm happy to be home - nothing has been working out and now I'm making this scary change and I just want to watch Netflix and play with my puppies while I can.

...wish me luck!