Ten Essentials

Every month, GQ features a celebrity, icon, or man-about-town and the 10 things that man considers “essential” to…his existence, I guess. These range from clothes to hygiene products to books to family tokens, etc. For interested parties, and because I’m unemployed for two weeks, I have compiled a list of my own. I should say these are essential entirely in the context of my life as a young grad student in Chicago.

1. Planner. Yes, a real-live paper planner that you write on. Even when I don’t have assignments to keep track of, I can’t imagine not having a planner. I wouldn’t remember ANYTHING. Transitioning to digital organization would be logical, but there’s just something so satisfying about crossing an item off your to-do list, and seeing your whole month planned out in front of you.

2. Moving Comfort Gaia sports bra. TMI? Maybe. But I spent years with my boobs squished under spandex sports bras, still unsupported. This thing is magic. I no longer worry about the sagging effects of running.

3. Blank thank you cards. Always, always, always come in handy. Thank you for the gift, for writing my recommendation, for interviewing with me, for being a great supervisor, for letting me stay with you, and so on. You don’t want to have to run out and buy a card every time something like that comes up. Thank you cards are oh-so-classy, and everyone loves getting handwritten mail.

4. North Face Borealis backpack. Once I graduate, I will burn this thing. Except not really, because it has withstood three years of hard use and shows no more wear than a little dirt. It’s heavy and a pain in the ass, but it has gotten me through many days with two meals, a change of clothes, school books, and all my needs. And it’s water resistant.

4. Outdoor Research Aspire rain jacket. If it were winter, I would have said my North Face parka. But it’s not, and it has been raining all week. I love this jacket. It’s not as cute as a London Fog trench, but I look goofy in those anyway. It’s a cute dark red, the hood is extremely snug and sturdy and doesn’t flop around, and it has a lifetime guarantee. Something every commuter should have.

5. Sunday Chicago Tribune subscription. I got a year for $13 with Groupon, or else I never would have gotten this. But I LOVE it. I love reading the newspaper with coffee on a Sunday morning. No matter how busy I am, I know I will have at least that time. And even if I don’t really know much about the news, I can at least stay a little in touch with the times.

6. Boar’s hair bristle round brush. Yes, one of those round combs, but the bristle’s are made of bar’s hair. No matter how many defrizzing products I’ve tried, a boar’s hair brush is the most smoothing and eliminates 80% of the job formerly done by my flat iron.

7. Allrecipes.com. I’m not really sure if this counts. But I use it all the time. They have a feature where you can search for all recipes containing a certain ingredient, so if I find myself with a whole lot of something that’s about to expire, or needing to cook for a party but with only a select few ingredients, Allrecipes is super-handy.

8. UPASS. For the summer, my UPASS is out of business and I had to buy a good ol’ fashioned monthly pass. However usually I pay $80-100 for the year…or semester…yes that’s a big difference but either way it’s a good deal considering how much I use this. Like, 2-8 times every single day.

9. Forever Yogurt. This isn’t an essential in the sense that I go there a lot, but it’s an essential in the sense that it’s awesome and where Thomas and I usually end up after we go out to dinner or spend an evening wandering around Wicker Park. For the unenlightened folk, it’s a build your own fro-yo bar. With endless free samples (well, I’m sure they’d catch on eventually).

10. Small (fake) pearl studs. I'll be honest, I would forget to wear earrings if I didn't constantly have these in. In fact, I didn't wear earrings for several years for that reason. Then I put these babies in about a year ago and haven't taken them out much since. Shower, sleep, gym, whatever, they go with anything, and they're elegant and understated. Always removable for more special occasions.

Guess what I have to do today. NOTHING.

For the first time in a very long time, I literally have nothing scheduled. I do plan to go to the gym and chiropractor, but I can do that more or less whenever I want. I slept in until 8 am. 8 AM. That's nine hours of sleep (I went to bed at 11, which is 30-60 minutes later than usual, because I didn't have to worry about waking up early)! I read the newspaper this morning whilst drinking my coffee, haven't showered, and am still in my PJs. Why you ask? Because I no longer have classes to attend for the next four months. I never have to go back to Loyola again. I'm thrilled.

Yet here it is, almost 10 am, and guess what - I have a paper due Friday. I also must contact four internship referrals, one of whom requires writing samples and a cover letter. So the question is: Do I get started, or do I allow myself a day off and do it Wednesday? If I wait til Wednesday, at least for the paper, I'll inevitably end up grumpily scrambling to add the shoddy final touches Thursday night when I get home from my internship (which I still must attend Tuesday and Thursday this week). Yet I really, really can't drum up the motivation to get started now. Even if I try to picture it in my head, I literally can't imagine sitting down to work at my laptop all day.

But if I don't at least do something productive, I'll feel guilty and not truly able to enjoy the relaxation. So maybe I'll go back and finish the newspaper, get dressed so I feel more like a real person, tinker around with some things on my to-do list, and then possibly feel more ready to take on Community Interventions and uber-intimidating professionals who have no patience for the less-than-outstanding. After lunch.

Update as of 1pm: that is EXACTLY what I did. However now I'm writing that cover letter and won't have much time to write the paper before chiro and the gym. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE cover letters? They're so formal. Why can't I just be like: "For real, I have crazy Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and everything I do is organized, detailed, and professional. Those other suckers you're interviewing suck at writing - seriously, I've edited their stuff. And they say dumb things in class. So if you want someone competent with no patience for the indecisive and illogical, it would be in your best interest to hire me. And then give me a job when I graduate".

A Blog for Blogging's Sake

What do you do when you have an earnest desire to be healthy, but just HATE exercise? I haven't exerted myself more than enough to stretch in the past 7 days, and every day I go to bed feeling horribly guilty. But when I've been at work or class all day, and am on the bus home thinking "I could go be terribly uncomfortable and unhappy for an hour, or I could go sit on my couch with a book and tea for three hours"...what do you think I choose?

I've tried it all...
"Work out in the morning so you just get it over with and feel good for the rest of the day!"
   No good. They don't call it a comforter for nothing.
"You just need to find a way to make exercise fun!"
   The only time I have ever had fun exercising was playing frisbee golf with 6-year-olds. Best summer of my life. Unfortunately I don't know where to find a team of frisbee-playing children in Chicago. I also enjoy cycling, but that depends on the weather (and regardless is much less fun amidst city traffic). Even yoga, which appears to be so relaxing, requires my body to do things it can not.
"Have a plan, a goal, a time limit, a schedule (I cheat); buy new work out clothes (the thrill doesn't last); sign up for a class (I simply did not go); have a great playlist (I ran out of music)" etc etc etc...

So you may just think, "wow, she's hella lazy". Maybe so, but here's what I'm getting at: why should I force myself to do something that I truly do not like? Isn't my happiness and mental health worth more than being able to run a half marathon that I hated every minute of? Unfortunately, I'm so stuck in this mindset that exercise is RIGHT and that's what STRONG people do and people are more FULFILLED when they exercise because they're so happy being healthy - so even if I think I could be happy without exercise, I can't because I just feel bad. And I feel bad when I do (*Though I do feel good afterward, consider also the extra time commitment which takes away from other obligations and enjoyments and leads to stress, increased tiredness, knee pain).

That last part was a mess. And this is probably really silly sounding to everyone else. In sum I wish I could be someone who just loves working out and actually looks forward to it. I wish my hobbies did not involve sugar and chocolate and sitting. Yet they do, and I apparently can not fully embrace something I know is bad for me, though I love it; and I can not forget about something I know is good for me, though I hate it.

Let's think about this...

In my last remaining hours-long spans of free time before I start working next week, I've been guiltlessly watching wedding planning shows on instant Netflix. I'm not ashamed.

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" is a common wedding theme I've noticed. I need diamonds and pearls and black and classic and that oh-so distinguishable turquoise. Cliche, yes, but hey, it's your day.

No, what really bothers me is that I don't know if any of these people have actually seen (or read) Breakfast at Tiffany's. If they had, they'd realize that Holly Golightly was a pitifully shallow woman who tried to fill the emptiness in her life with jewelry. Her only purpose was to be a socialite and her livelihood was the $50 that nightly dinner companions gave her as she went to the powder room. She ran away from every person with whom she formed a real relationship, and whenever any pesky "feelings" came around and threatened this fake life, well she'd just go eat a croissant in front of Tiffany's, because nothing bad could ever happen there. In essence, she was exactly what Holden Caulfield would have called a phony. In the end, Fred shakes it out of her and she admits that she needs him and all is well. However I don't think this is what most brides are trying to capture with this theme.

I like the movie, I like old Hollywood glam, I like class. But when I pick my wedding theme, I think I'll avoid the statement "Hey friends and family, I'm way into materialism and don't know how to cope with the real world." Maybe that's just me.

Extreme Time-Management

If anyone already read my previous declaration that I will train for a half-marathon in 18 weeks, know that it took about 2 hours to actually do research and change my mind.

Tellingly, that post began with "Welcome to my forum for making noble life goals that I ultimately will not keep".

Really it's not for lack of motivation, but lack of reality. I run, but not that well, and I fear such an intense training program would kill me. Instead I'll train for a 10k or mini-marathon or something and that's that, fine with me.

But the point remains - I need discipline. I value having at least one day per week to do absolutely nothing, and even on those days which are most convenient to go to the gym, I don't. I guess that's not so abnormal. But anyway, I just need to get in the habit. Four days per week isn't so bad, and once it gets nicer out I won't always have to wait in the cold for a bus to the gym (which is often the most discouraging part).


Fear not, I'm confident I'll get there one day.

Uncertainties

I won't go into the details, but the everyday happenstances of life have been conspiring against me, not even giving me a chance to try to obtain something before telling me it's out of reach. Over and over. That's fine, I suppose I just have to reconsider what I want.

And therefore, I am applying for a transfer to UIC. The application materials are due in two weeks, which is fast, but I'm confident I can do it. If something goes wrong, then I will take a year off from school after this semester and begin my second year next fall. That doesn't seem so bad. And actually, it sounds a lot better than wasting my money at Loyola for another year.

It's funny, when I entered IWU I figured I'd attend for two years and then apply to NYU when I was more prepared to move far from home. But I love IWU and my friends so much that this idea was quickly forgotten and I don't regret it. However I feel absolutely zero attachment to Loyola, and will be leaving nothing significant behind if I do in fact transfer.

I feel really good about this plan. I have no idea how it will all work out, but it boosts my self-efficacy to know that I can make a ridiculously impulsive and unplanned change for the sake of my ultimate happiness, and that I won't let myself be stuck in an unfulfilling track because it would be too hard and uncertain to dig myself out.

I've been looking forward to going home this weekend for whatever sense of comfort and familiarity that I might find. I told my mom this plan, and she smiled and nodded as if she knew all along and said "I was wondering how long it would take for you to decide that". I hate when she knows more than I think she knows. I didn't even know I was thinking about this. But anyway, I think this is what it feels like to be a young person with no idea how their life is going to turn out and just having to jump into something and hope it works out. I mean, I never had an exact plan about what I was going to do before, but when you're constantly hiding out in academia you don't have to fully think about it. That's probably why I'm happy to be home - nothing has been working out and now I'm making this scary change and I just want to watch Netflix and play with my puppies while I can.

...wish me luck!

Thanks, Ishmael.

My actions do not reflect my priorities. Which in fact means that what I tell myself are my priorities are really not, but my real values are reflected by my actions. This is a very disappointing conclusion to come to. It means that I don't feel my own values are worthy or estimable. And yet I'm so used to them, they're so bound in my lifestyle, they give me such a needed sense of control, that I don't know how to shift to a lifestyle which endorses the values that I want to have, the values that I actually value.

Just thoughts.