Thanks, Ishmael.

My actions do not reflect my priorities. Which in fact means that what I tell myself are my priorities are really not, but my real values are reflected by my actions. This is a very disappointing conclusion to come to. It means that I don't feel my own values are worthy or estimable. And yet I'm so used to them, they're so bound in my lifestyle, they give me such a needed sense of control, that I don't know how to shift to a lifestyle which endorses the values that I want to have, the values that I actually value.

Just thoughts.

Under the El

Vignette

My apartment is really the second floor of a thin, long house. We have a lovely picture window in the front and plenty of windows elsewhere. On autumn days of bright colors and falling leaves, when I'm at the kitchen table writing a paper or on the couch reading the newspaper, I feel like I'm sitting on my perch in a bird's nest. On snowy days of late, with my tiny Christmas tree and cup of cider, I feel like the apartment is a snowglobe (albeit a boring one, no dancing bears or anything).

I like it. I feel safe and snug. Though I also feel like a very tiny creature within a giant's plaything, like the cat's collar from Men in Black. There may be a large and curious eye peering at me right now, calling over other large eyes when I shower or stub my toe. I don't mind; maybe that means I'd be successful on a reality show. When I leave the apartment, though, I will no longer be in the giant's realm, because whatever his little microcosm container is, it only contains the second floor of this building. Now I've gotten carried away with myself.

Extreme Ellyn tackles…TECHNOLOGY!

 

Whaaaaat? I just got a new phone, and much to my surprise, it’s a SMARTPHONE. I’ve never intended to own one of these, it was just the prettiest one under $100. Next thing I know, I’m synching my Facebook account and downloading apps and good grief even TAKING PICTURES with my phone! I’m having a very hard time getting used to the touch screen and tiny buttons, but overall it’s an improvement. However I HATE that I have about a gazillion contacts because all of my Facebook friends and Gmail contacts are automatically entered and I can’t delete them without deleting the whole account. So when I want to call someone, I have several entries for one person and I don’t know which is just the regular cell number.

And on top of THAT, my lappy just decided to download a bunch of new technologies called Windows Live. So I’ve directed ALL of my email accounts to this one inbox which required looking up IMAPS and verification addresses and thingamajigs. now I just need to learn how to synch that inbox to my phone, and life will be so much simpler. Maybe. And finally, under Windows Live came Windows Live Writer, where I can synch my mediocre blog to…I’m not sure what. But I have this nifty little publisher window which seems to be exactly the same as entering a blog directly online.

I’m a little overwhelmed.

I like to think I can run circles around the average Joe in Microsoft Office, but overall I’ve been a very modest consumer of electronics. I don’t want to come to feel that I need to be connected all the time, and that I have to check my email every five minutes, and that I must be able to Twitter instantly when Becky wears leggings as pants. Kids these days are too impatient, and too distractable, and though they think they’re good at multitasking, they’re not. By kids, I mean most Americans.

Relatedly, I worry that people are losing the ability to interact with others. You can’t learn social skills from a screen. More importantly, a friend page on Facebook does not a friend make. Yes, technology has allowed many people to stay in touch or catch up with old friends, but perhaps without it we would still find close friends meaningful enough to call. If they’re not, then we can do without them.

One day I will embrace the 21st century, and that’s fine. I was born early enough to develop my worldview apart from technology. I just think at that point life will be a little more complicated than is necessary.

One hundred thingz.

Have you ever heard of the 100-things challenge? The idea is to whittle your possessions down until you only won 100 things (food not included, I'm assuming). I've often been tempted to try this because...

I don't like clutter.
I feel selfish for having unnecessary things.
I would spend less money.
I would stress out less about all the things that I "need" to get.
The things I would have would be nicer.
isn't living simply supposed to be, like, relieving?

But obviously, I've not done it. Those reasons are much less clear. Perhaps...

I'm scared I would get rid of something I needed.
I'm too attached to useless sentimental objects.
I really am just materialist and like having lots of clothes.
I like little knick-knacks that make my home pretty.
it's too difficult to define what counts as a "thing" (one sheet, or the sheet set? my iPod and case, or are they one entity?)
my bookshelf alone is over 100 things. Though I may be willing to part with my CD collection, the bookshelf is nonnegotiable.
if I have guests over I don't want to have to share the one mug I have left.

At least monthly I rummage through my belongings and take a bag or so to the thrift store, but occasionally it backfires. Just last night I was looking for a scarf to wear, and remembered that I had gotten rid of them because I didn't think I'd ever wear them. Did I still go out and have a nice time? Sure. Did I even think about wearing a scarf? Not really. Am I right now thinking to myself "damn that outfit would have been cuter with a scarf"? Yes.

Would anything change if I got rid of more stuff? Probably not. In fact, one of the biggest thoughts holding me back is that I would just go buy everything all over again. And really, is there anything wrong with that? Is it so wrong to own an extensive collection of kitchen tools and craft supplies, as long as I use them? Probably not. So I don't know why I'm so stuck on this. And I don't know why every other sentence in this post is a question. I do know that this has drained some of the writing power that should have gone to the paper I'm concurrently working on.

:)

A lot of my recent posts have been angry, and since I don't consider myself an angry person, this is an attempt to change course.

I live in Chicago. In (or at least near) a very hoppin' neighborhood with lots of well-known, popular, and delicious restaurants and shops, which I can rarely afford, but which are within range enough to provide for special occasions. My house is small, but cute, and I like it. I ride the train past Wrigley Field two days a week, and each time I get excited because it's been in magazines and movies and it's famous and I live by it.

I go to a school that people have actually heard of. I love my UPASS. I procrastinate a lot, but after this weekend I'll only have 2 papers left in the semester. Speaking of this weekend, I'm going to a Halloween party where I will see lots of good friends.

I've just started getting my own caseload at my internship, which is extremely satisfying because I'm learning that I actually do like being a social worker. The other day I called the Department of Human Services for a client and helped him answer some questions about his public assistance. It made me feel like a competent adult (or at least I can trick DHS into thinking I am). It's the same feeling I had those few times as an RA that my residents actually cared to approach me - I did something today, and it was useful, and it was good. I fit in at my agency and really like my coworkers.

 I have a job! A minimum wage job at a pizza place (which I foolishly thought I could avoid in Chicago), but a job nonetheless. And despite former experience in the food service industry with poor management and druggie staff (a la Jimmy John's), I actually really like this job. My coworkers are interesting and funny. My managers are positive and responsible. I get free pizza. And it's really, really good.

And finally, it's fall. On most days, it's beautiful outside. Even when it's not, it's cold enough to wear adorable cold weather accessories and my pleasantly toasty Thinsulate coat. There are pumpkins on every other doorstep. There is pumpkin in as much of my food as possible. Or sweet potato, or apple, etc, etc.

This was not supposed to be an update on my life, rather the point is this: I've always been waiting for the next stage of life to begin (first job, college, long-term relationship, off-campus apartment, out of my parents house, out of the midwest...), thinking that when I reach it my life will change so substantially that I'll finally be the exciting, interesting person I've always wanted to be, and I'll get a feeling of satisfaction that means I don't have to keep looking anymore. Nothing will be in the way of living my life how I'm supposed to and how I want to.

Well, there are still stages in my life that I look forward to, such as moving away from Chicago and having a full-time job, but for now, I can punch in to my job, log notes at my internship, or read a book in my living room and think "this is good".

And don't even get me started on the autism vaccine...

This is nothing revolutionary, but sometimes I think no one else has any common sense.

Today in my Individual & Family Therapy II course, we discussed social work with children. ADHD was brought up, with its problematic diagnostic system and implications for medicated kids. The presenters mentioned that teachers are often the ones to notice the issue because they spend more time with the children, whose parents usually don't notice any misbehavior. I've heard this before, usually accompanying a discussion on how this results in overdiagnosis.

So, here is what I would like to scream at the world: Did you ever think that kids are naturally rambunctious and can't concentrate on math for an hour each day, and that perhaps some teachers just can't handle 30 children at a time so when one irritates her(him) consistently and s(he) doesn't know how to deal with it, s(he) is going to blame it on the child instead of her(his) inadequate teaching skills? And that the reason parents don't notice is because they only have to deal with that one child, and one child's hyperactivity isn't so bad when not amidst 29 others? And did you know that about half of children diagnosed with ADHD grow out of it, so maybe THAT'S JUST CALLED CHILDHOOD?

Perhaps that is too harsh on teachers who haven't chosen to have overloaded classrooms, but I have a bone to pick with them, and I don't think it's entirely unjustified.

MEDICATION IS NOT AN EASY WAY OUT. You can't just sedate Johnny because you're tired of telling him not to stand on his desk. That's what kids do.

And finally, I realize that teachers can not diagnose anything, but they can significantly pressure parents to seek medication against their better judgment, especially those in lower classes who feel uninformed and that they don't have any power in the matter.

And last last lastly, it is my understanding that ADHD is a biological condition, and therefore I fully support medication when it is actually needed. But otherwise, just be a better teacher.