First...I really want and need to say this, but I'm not one to express mushy feelings publicly, and especially on the internet. Not even because I'm ashamed of them, but because I'm concerned that other people will think I'm trying to get attention. In this case, it was just the best method I could come up with, so don't judge me too harshly. Or, I guess, you can. End disclaimer.
1. I'm going to be spending a lot of time with someone and it would be unpleasant and/or uncomfortable to not get to know them,
2. I'm in my drunk phase known as "chatty",
3. We have shared interests or values that I enjoy discussing (which often leads to friendship),
4. Someone is a true and valued friend and socializing is not a chore but enjoyable.
I know this sounds judgmental, as if I'm too good to interact with individuals that don't fit my definition of interesting, and the first impression I give is very often one of superiority and standoffishness. This isn't my intent; I'm sure those people have a lot to offer and there are others out there who find them fascinating, but our personalities are not necessarily compatible, so I'd rather save my social energy for a relationship that I find meaningful.
It won't come as a surprise, then, that I've always had a hard time making friends. All the way through late high school I had friends in the sense there were people with whom I went to the movies or concerts; we had fun, some were closer than others, and I rotated through a few best friends - though looking back, I never really fully opened up or felt comfortable with anyone. In fact, I didn't really value friendship. I actually remember having a conversation with a good friend and I told her that even though I was desperate for a boyfriend, I had just never really felt the need for close female friends. I had always gotten by fine without them. She was understandably offended.
Because this is my modus operandi, I just assume everyone else thinks this way, too. Which would mean that everyone has a limited amount of social energy, and I wouldn't want to presume that they're willing to waste it on me. Why would anyone be interested in not only the boring monotony of my day-to-day, but also my depressing, anxious, twisted inner musings? I'm not trying to be emo. I know I have a lot to offer and I respect myself and like who I am; but I would truly, sincerely understand and not take offense if my presence were an imposition to people's lives. As such, I try not to ask much of others and (ignoring the deeper feminist implications) take up as little space as possible.
But of course in reality not everyone is such an overthinker. Certain people have a talent for melting my cold exterior just by virtue of being themselves; whether they know it or not, it's like they're telling me "hey, I know I'm not perfect, but I think we're the same. I'm going to be myself around you, so you can be yourself around me". These friendships have, for the most part, lasted because they are highly valued, and entirely worth the social effort it takes on my end to maintain them.
And thank goodness for those people, because this week was rough; I had to get over my instinct to not be a bother and ask for help. Sometimes I just needed to talk, sometimes I needed advice, sometimes I needed a bigger favor. In every single case, my requests were accommodated with no questions asked and no judgment. People simply said "here is what you asked for - take as much as you need. Come back tomorrow and take more". Many of them I rarely talk to. Some of them I haven't even known that long. There are even more that I didn't reach out to who I know would do the same.
Even though some of these friends I have had for a decade, even though they have let me cry in their beds and snot all over them, even though no one ever had a problem with me sitting around in their room doing nothing til 2 am, even though they weren't ashamed to talk to me during my mullet phase, even though every one of them has seen me puke and do Lord knows what other unspeakably embarrassing drunk things, then still not only made sure I get home safe, but reassured me that I'm welcome to puke all over the place if it makes me feel better, even though they've welcomed me into their homes across the state and country, and through all this I have never once felt unwanted...I still have a hard time believing that people are actively interested in being my friend. Not just any people, but people who I so strongly admire and value.
I feel like Sherlock when John asks him to be his best man, and he doesn't comprehend because he never thought that such a good person would want to be his friend. << #yeahisaidit #nerd #yolo #cumberbitch
This is not solely about this situation; it's just a particularly strong example. It's about every situation in which anyone has ever been there for me. I'm sorry if I didn't appreciate it enough at the time, I'm sorry that we don't talk more, I'm sorry that I'm bad at emotions. But I know you understand, and even though you'd probably tell me I don't have to say it...thank you.
